Gaslighters love telling you there’s nothing wrong. ‘It’s all in your head’ or ‘We’re just friends.’ They’re experts at making you doubt yourself and even making you feel bad for assuming the worst. 

It’s a vicious cycle of overthinking and self-rationalizing where you constantly find yourself in need of assurance while your significant partner continues to run free behind your back. But, with a little awareness and an idea of the gaslighting signs to look out for, maybe you’d find yourself free and at peace well before your toxic relationship takes an even greater turn for the worst.

READ: Why do we blame only one person in a cheating controversy when it literally ‘takes two to tango’?

People show affection differently. Some are more touchy than others and some throw away ‘I love you’s’ around way too casually. But in a relationship where one is expected to act a certain way with people who aren’t their partners—it’s completely fine when you get upset after seeing your SO act a little too sweet with their ‘so-called’ friend. 

It’s a simple process really: You inform your partner about what made you uncomfortable; you set your boundaries; and they adjust. Anything else is frankly a red flag, especially if they start rationalizing and negotiating with you. 

Be sure to also watch out for moving goalposts and make sure they stay where they are. What do I mean by that? In simpler words, flirtatious actions and remarks shouldn’t be rationalized with “I just wanted to comfort her” or “It was just a meaningless moment.” A kiss is a kiss regardless of context—unless it was without consent or warning—and you shouldn’t be gaslighted into thinking otherwise.

But most importantly, remain firm and don’t move your own goalposts. Gaslighting thrives once we start budging and letting things through. “It was just one time,” or “He didn’t even mean it”—sounds like the start of self-rationalizing. Sometimes, taking things as they are helps one see clearer than trying to explain and unpack everything.

And don’t get me started on friends and their unique dynamics. Yes, it’s completely normal to be so close to your friend that you’ve become extremely comfortable with them. But let’s be honest, what type of friendship becomes affected because you have to start leaving space for the holy spirit? So yes honey, you can move back a few inches to make your partner feel more comfortable. If your friend has something to say about that—maybe there really is something going on.

There are always two sides to every story and most feelings are valid, but both shouldn’t be put at the same level of significance. The experiences and emotions of the one hurt should always be prioritized over the one who caused it. Sure you can always talk about why you did what you did, but it should never go first. Frankly, it’s like saying “I’m sorry, but…” and no one’s a fan of that. And if you let that happen, you’ll probably be gaslighted into thinking it was your fault the entire time.

READ: What your favorite song from Moira Dela Torre’s ‘I’m Okay’ says about you

Disagreements and fights should be resolved as early as possible. But we get itwinzir, some days are just tough and the last thing we need is another headache to pile on. There’s nothing wrong with putting things off for the next day as long as it doesn’t become the norm. If so, they’re likely just waiting for things to blow over and come back to normal.

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